Into murky waters I roam… I’m marching into murky waters again but do I know how to
navigate them this time? Six months ago, I started cutting the fat out of my life. For the longest time, I had been feeling down-trodden; like I was serving other people’s needs so much that I had forgotten myself. Thus, I started on the path to finding who I am and returning to my more genuine nature. The first to go was a friend that I have had for a number of
years who, for her privacy, will remain nameless. She had been a good friend to
me but not as good as I had been to her. I finally realized (though my closest
friends and family had known for a long time) that she was detrimental to me. She
gave 10% for every 90 she received. She was real uncomfortable looking inside her
herself and even more uncomfortable having another person. She just wasn’t a
healthy person. However, given my nature to care for those who are either
broken, hurting or a combination of the two, I continued to give here my 100%,
hoping things would turn. They didn’t turn and I cut ties with her. I removed her from all my social media, took her out of my phonebook. Cut every tie with her. In that space I’ve had wonderful growth. I’ve grown closer to three of my friends, all of whom are as close to me now as my own family. I have allowed my emotions to come up to the surface more, allowed myself to be more cheerful and jovial. Now, six months later, I have reestablished contact with
her. It is only basic contact but it still scares me. She is the person who
almost derailed my entire personal life, sending me into a downward spiral that
could have, and probably would have had catastrophic results. I am stepping carefully with her, so as not to get caught in the same hole I did before but I am still really scare. It is not very often that I have an internal war raging inside me but there is now. Sure I’ve had conflicts between what I want and have had second thoughts in some decisions but rarely a war. Half of me wants to keep being friends with her and the other half is telling me to get as far away as I can. The first half won’t let a friendship die without a fight, always seems to think that I can help people with their problems. It is convinced that there are still merits to spending time with her as a friend. The second half is telling me to be cautious. It tells me that she is just like the countless other people that have abused my willingness to help and my kindness. “There are better people to associate with” it tells me “don’t bother getting hurt again. You’ve already made this mistake once, don’t make it twice.” I really don’t know what to do. However, for the moment, I am going to keep talking to her as an informal friend but the fact of being torn right down the middle is tearing me apart. It almost brings me to tears, the fact that I’m fighting between my two most powerful natures over one person. Why must I bother fighting my natures? Why can’t one just take over? I talk to all of my closest friends, mentioned above and all three tell me to “be careful.” Well that’s bloody wonderful advice. It’s right up there with “look both ways before crossing the street” and “Don’t stick your finger in a lawn mower blade.” While I appreciate their words, it doesn’t help me. I can only hope that light will from this dark murkiness I am wading in, to show me the way. Until then, I’ll keep her at arms length and keep my friends closer than ever. Glad to be alive So I have a real good reason to be glad to be alive, not that I needed one earlier. Two weeks ago, I had a rather peculiar dream. I had a dream that I was in a nasty car accident. A Toyota truck broadsided me, killing me instantly. I awoke in a cold sweat, but it passed and I went back to sleep and slept all the way to the morning. I've had a bunch of dreams where I've died in them. In my dreams, I've been stabbed, shot, drowned and other gruesome deaths that I don't care to talk about. However, this one felt different. Fast forward to Sunday of that same week. I was driving to my weekly budget meetings for the newspaper. While I was sitting at a red light, something inside me woke up and raised an alarm. Something inside me said "Something's not right, I've been here before." So I sat there in my car, listening to Peter Gabriels' "Sledgehammer" trying to decipher this feeling. The light turned green and I followed my instincts and didn't go. I looked to my left to see a truck go through the red light. The same exact truck that hit me in my dream. I missed the entire light cycle because of my realization. It's been two weeks since that dream and I'm still as affected by it as I was then. I've had small prophetic dreams. Small parts of conversations, little choices I had to make, lots of little things but nothing big and certainly nothing that changed my life. Call me pathetic, call me stupid but I think it shows me that I have some purpose and that someone still wants me alive to fulfill it. Henceforth, I have been completely inspired. I've allowed my truer nature to come through. It's been absolutely wonderful to be myself again, free of what anyone else wants, free of any kind of constraints. I only wish I'd experienced this sooner. |
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